In Touch with Emotions.

Photograph: Warnemuende, July 2018

“I’ve learnt a million things from the day and the years that have followed it. When something goes wrong in your life it doesn’t finish you and you should become braver, knowing that you’ve got to go for things in life and don’t regret because you didn’t try to be as good as you might be.”
- Gareth Southgate -

I have been there. I still recall, physically and mentally, the shocking realisation when the consequence of my own mistakes and disregards of the damage I did trickled into my consciousness. I still recall the immediate, painful awareness that things have gone terribly wrong, and that I am the only person responsible. I still feel the agony of failure linked with deep embarrassment and bitterly regret, pinnacled with the absolute knowledge that I have deeply disappointed someone who trusted me the most. To say it was painful for the other one involved is an understatement. To say I hurt that other one is an even bigger understatement.

Unfortunately, we cannot do everything right. If we could and it would be that easy, our world would be a rather tiring place without the slightest evidence of emotion and  true love. However trivial it may sound to you and I'm really not thinking of  clichés right now, all of us being wonderfully imperfect people, we have a tendency to make mistakes. Even the elder and very wise ones among us can easily establish the fact that every now and again they are exposed to take wrong turns and make questionable or hurtful decisions as a result.

These mistakes can shatter you, there is no question about that. Mistakes sometimes change your whole life’s trajectory and plans. More so if you are the very reason that they did not work. As for me, there are still periods when I'm cringing. ​Moments when it feels like my entire body wants to fold into itself because I'm so ashamed. Pain and sorrow don't mix too well and I do have times when these two are the overwhelming forces that make me quiet and sad. When longing for you and missing you predominate my days ​and I can do nothing else than going into coping mode and on autopilot, somewhat defeated. When I feel the punishment of not being with you anymore, as a rightful consequence of my mistakes, and there is no getting over it. From the bottom of my heart I hope that, one day, this can change and you and I can go back to  a conversional atmosphere and talk to each other. That would be very nice and I'd love to. Whenever you are ready.

I'm unable to tell you the perfect way or something utterly profound to come out of all the mess alive. I don't have it down perfectly and I am still trying to manage. As I wrote some time earlier, this is different for everyone. Each one of us needs to find his own way. The point is, however, that I had a choice. I had the choice not to let the same mistakes happen again. I have learnt many things from my mistakes and so have you, I guess.  Wrongdoings do not mean you cannot be trusted ever afterward. Mistakes are the footings of thruth and once you understood that the whole thing is your chance to change to the better, then it is time to go home to yourself. Because this is the place where you belong. Go home to yourself and go back to who you are. Finding yourself is the hardest part in the process, there is no point arguing. You need to respect the decision of the people you have hurt; they have every right to refuse to look at you in a new light. However much the outcome leaves you in despair and doubts and sadness, you have to accept and in this case it has to be their way. It will feel unbearable because that silly heart of yours won't listen. There is nothing wrong with it, just let it. The heart is always right and in the emptiness there is love. Love that belongs to the people you have hurt, they are where your love and your heart will stay. And this is beautiful. Be okay with that because in love there is no second best. You will regret what you did, but never regret the way you love. Time with love is never lost nor wasted.

There is one last thing we can never learn, though. We will make new mistakes and there will be times that won’t be our sparkling moments. Sometimes we even need to have the courage to make a mistake. Please don't be afraid of these moments. Please don't. We always have tomorrow. But please remember, everything you've said or done today will have consequences on what tomorrow will be like. So, we aren't meant to be afraid. We are meant to live.

Tom Leeb, Go On.
"But first go back to what you were..."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GO2cTMFwzHw